A lil' thought as life goes on...
C'est la vie:
Got back my music paper. *GASPS* 52.5 *GASPS*. Upon 100. My first C for assweek this term. First C probably for now, till tml. In fact I got it back the paper on tue. But these few day's I just can't sleep, nor could I concentrate on the things I do. It's not the results, I'm used to getting back worse results esp back in dhs. I promise it's a lot worse than that.
I really feel very guilty and sorry about this. But to whom can I apologize? As a properly brought up brat, I feel the need to apologise. I was wrong, terribly wrong. I regret, but it's not the results which made me. It's my conscience, and it's engulfing me slowly everyday for the past few nights. I can't sleep, insomnia and my conscience is hunting me down. I really really should have studied harder for music shouldn't I? Yes, I should have, I should have. I damn myself for not studying. Damn it.
Mr Seow is such a saintly figure. He has done his utmost best to really teach us despite his schedule, given me opportunities time and time again. In the end this is what he got from me. This kind of lousy stuff which I can't bear to read. I have never in my life seen such a devoted teacher before. From his tone, I guess he was quite disappointed, I knew he would be, even before the exam. Let's hope what ms huang said is right, he is really saintly to that degree and he won't give up on us.
I feel really intimidated these few days when I met him round the school. Don't have the guts to face him. I'm supposed to be brought up strong, probably not this time. I've let him down, real much. This is not what he's supposed to get in return, it's just not fair for him. It's downright obvious I crapped my way through the history part. But it just made me more guilty. It all goes out to show how immature, insensible, selfish, self-centered and lousy I can get. It's just so immoral. I've betrayed his trust and faith altogether.
Thank goodness I got a gastric flu this morning and didn't have to go face him during PE meeting today.
Gosh, I really despise myself. For being capable of the above deeds stated by yours sincerely and for being such a gutless idiot.
PS: I really really hope, that he had not lost hope cause of my hopeless grades, I know this is too asking too much, but I really hope, for the last time, and I swear things would change.
PSS: I'm not emo-ing, just reflecting on things.
lu
9:47 PM
