C'est la vie:I'm thoroughly defeated today and I'm proud of my defeat. I'm proud of it because I'm the cause of it.I had let down a lot of people no doubt. Myself, definitely, I was about to strangle myself or something after the whole thing. I had practised that for 3 years and I've been working on it day and night recently, yet I failed myself.Mr Seow definitely, his long hours and efforts didn't go to waste but his reputation is at stake. The njc mep reputation is at stake, mep's reputation is at stake, my reputation is at stake. My teacher would be really disappointed with me. Those aside, the key factor is myself.Throw away these considerations. On the stage, with the spotlight on me. I was helpless. Vulnerable to where my hands are going to take me and I have no idea where they are going. The lonliness and the helplessness, the desperation, threw me on the verge of tears. I swear I was almost crying when I left the stage, forgetting to bow. (sorry) I was hoping, silently praying for someone to save me from this dispair. Perhaps the PA can just make a mistake or smthg. I can't make it. There's just no way for me to stop and restart. It's just impossible. Nobody would hear you again. It's fixed. Nobody's going to give you a second chance in the concert.Mother Nature is cruel since the start of life. The stronger ones survive and the weaklings get eliminated. I guess I'm THE ONE in the concert.Yet, at that moment, I'm the king of the stage. I can do whatever I want with it. I'm in control and now, the aftermath is that, I shall bear the consequence of my ill-control. The courage I need, going around the school. The courage I need to face the people whom I've failed, who came to the concert seeing the defeated me. The courage I need to step under another spotlight. The mess is mine, and I'm proud of it, proud of clearing it up myslef. Reminds me of the taiwanese 'president'. I am a failure in this concert. Yes, as many people might have said. Take it as an experience which others had either forgottened or missed. I gained, I've accumulated things. Standing proudly, defeated on the outside, a failure FOR NOW.
lu
10:33 PM
